buildin' - the makeup

jeez, I feel like I'm whining about my lovelife - daily. That was so not what I wanted to use this for, but I do want to wrap-up this little drama with JC. We went to breakfast & talked it out. We're fine, agreed to work on it, you get the gist.

More importantly, my mind's trying to wrap itself around this buildin' thing. You know, relationship-building (for those of you uninformed on what " buildin' " is. JC & I are of one accord - we're in the buildin' phase. We lay the foundation of our relationship, and build upon it. Trust, honesty, and the desire to put forth some effort ('cause this definitely ain't effortless) are key.

My problem is that I've got a history of choosing the "wrong" guy, for the right reasons. The kid that's not ready to commit, whether he's honest about it or not. I chose them because they were honest, or because I thought that's not what I wanted either, or because they were 100% in every area other than commitment...blah..blah, you know the routine.

My point: I've got to strike this delicate balance between not being foolish, yet giving 100% without second-guessing my partner. Allowing him to be who he is, without casting him in the light of my history. I have to trust him, for he's given me no reason not to trust him. Yet, I also don't want to walk around with blinders on to who he actually is. Don't want to cast him as the One if he's not him, ya know? Even though, he's got a lot of potential. He's a lot "Oner" than the previous applicants...lol. Ok, that may only make sense to me, but it's the middle of the night. Sue me.

Ideally: I give it my all regardless. If he's cool, he & I become we. If not, I learn a life lesson & move on. It won't be the first time it didn't work out & may not be the last. But in my head, I know that's the bottom line. If it doesn't work out, I've given it my all & he's ...well, he's whatever...then I can only blame myself for giving it 100%. Oh, and maybe for choosing him (maybe being the operative word in tha sentence). And I'm not about to beat myself up for giving it my all. If I don't give it my all, and continue to feed my insecurities (for that's what's plaguing me at this point) and it doesn't work out...well, ya know where I'll be laying the blame. And I do not want that.

Ok head, can ya convince my heart of the same. For while that makes perfect sense, if JC goes 36-40 hours without calling like I thought he did before, my heart's gonna go about 12 inches south and stay there, hiding from a hurt not inflicted, protecting itself from a pain only distantly perceived and not actually felt. Stomach churning from overcrowding, I'll blow up his phone/pager/two-way until the perceived hurt uninflicted is rectified and justice is served, coldly & swiftly. Until I realize (again) that my insecurities have begun a battle that I ultimately am doomed to lose.

Wow, waxing poetic. Insomnia, how you move me well...lol.